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OPTIMINDZATION

Discover How to Optimize Your Mind & Achieve Your Goals........More

JOKES AND WORDS OF WISDOM ABOUT ADHD

One of the greatest things you can do for yourself is laugh. I don't mean just a little snicker,
or chuckle, or a little faint smile. I mean a deep, hardy laugh that involves your diaphragm
and moves your whole body. Many adults have forgotten how to laugh--really laugh out loud
as described above.

I believe that it will add years to your life. It's a great stress reducer. Some studies have suggested a reduction in coronary disease, although this is not yet proven(to my knowledge).

One caveat! Do NOT direct your humor at other peoples weaknesses or differencies. Do NOT "put people down", or make them feel small or inept.

That kind of humor hurts--not only the other person, but you as well, in the end.
Laugh instead at life's inconguities, funny ideas, and at yourself.

__________________________________________________________________

Here are 2 classics for a person with ADD or ADHD:

I stopped to think, and forgot to start again.

 

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

_________________________________________________________

Some Great Things About Having ADHD:

  • Can meet someone, fall deeply in love, marry, fight, hate, and divorce,
    all in about 35 minutes or less.

  • Can see all of your worldly possessions at one time...because they
    are all over the floor

  • Make far reaching analogies that no one else understands. Write
    them off as "Deep Thoughts"

  • The mind of a Pentium--with only 2 Megs of RAM

  • Able to tie seemingly unrelated ideas together

  • Qualifyfor bulk rate mail on tax returns because you have at least 24
    W-2's attached.

  • Honestly believes that anything is possible

  • Willing to "step out on faith"

  • A greater tolerance for "Chaos"

  • Proviedes job security for writers of Spell Check programs

 

______________________________________________________________________

 

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any
loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

 

 

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping,"
Today, I just "chunky dunked."

 

 

My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

 

 

If raising children was going to be easy, it would never have started with

something called labor.

 

____________________________________________________________

 

A Different Kind of Prayer:

Heavenly Father, Help us remember that the "jerk" who cut us off in
traffic last night, is a single mother with ADD who worked nine hours
that day and was rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework,
do the laundry and spend a few precious moments with her children.

_________________________________________________________

In the 60's , people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and
people take Prozac to make it normal.

 

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

 

When everything is coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.

 

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

 

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

 

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare, and love we
can spare.And in return, dogs give us their all.
It's the best deal man has ever made. M. Facklam

 

Women and cats will do as they please,
And men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. RobertHeinlein

 

The best way to stop an argument is to agree with the other person.

 

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
Lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

__________________________________________________________

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, where they
set up their tent, and are asleep.
Some hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend.
"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asked the Lone Ranger.
Tonto ponders for a minute:
"Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
"What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then he speaks:
"Tonto, you Dummy, someone has stolen our tent."

__________________________________________________________

 

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED

  1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

  2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

  3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. they always catch
    the second person.

  4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

  5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

  6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

  7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

  8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

  9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

  10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

 

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED

  1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

  2. Wrinkles don't hurt.

  3. Families are like fudge. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

  4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

  5. Laughing is good exerscise. It's like jogging on the inside.

  6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber,
    not the toy.

 

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

  1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

  2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

  3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while
    you're down there.

  4. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a
    rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

  5. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody
    bothers to ask you the questions.

  6. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

  7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

_____________________________________________________________________________

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE

  1. You believe in Santa Claus.

  2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.

  3. You are Santa Claus.

  4. You look like Santa Claus.

_____________________________________________________________________________

SUCCESS

  1. At age 4 success is.....not peeing in your pants.

  2. At age 12 success is...having friends.

  3. At age 16 success is...having a driver's license.

  4. At age 20 success is...having sex.

  5. At age 35 success is ...having money.

  6. At age 50 success is ...having money.

  7. At age 60 success is....having sex.

  8. At age 70 success is....having a driver's license.

  9. At age 75 success is....having friends.

  10. At age 80 success is....not peeing in your pants.

_______________________________________________________________

 

Here are some very insightful answers given by elementary kids :

Why did God make Mothers?

  1. She's the only one who knows where the Scotch Tape is.

  2. Think about it. It was the best way to get more people.

  3. Mostly to clean the house.

  4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make Mothers?

  1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

  2. Magic, plus super powers, and a lot of stirring.

  3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just
    used bigger parts.

Why did God give you your Mother and not some other Mom?

  1. We are related.

  2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's Mom's
    like me.

What ingredients are Mothers made of?

  1. God makes Mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything
    nice in the world and one dab of mean.

  2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they
    mostly use string, I think.

What kind of little girl was your Mom?

  1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.

  2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be
    pretty bossy.

  3. They say she used to be nice.

How did your Mom meet your Dad?

  1. Mom was workinhg in a store and Dad was shoplifting.

What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him?

  1. His last name.

  2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does
    he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year?
    Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your Dad?

  1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom
    eats a lot.

  2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

  3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

What makes a real woman?

  1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.

Who's the boss at your house?

  1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because
    Dad is such a goofball.

  2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff
    under the bed.

  3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do
    than Dad.

What's the difference between Moms and Dads?

  1. Moms work at work and work at home; Dads just work at work.

  2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

  3. Dads are taller and stronger, but Moms have all the real power,
    because that's who you have to ask if you want to sleep over
    at your friend's.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?

  1. Mothers don't do spare time.

  2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What's the difference between Moms and Grandmas?

  1. About 30 years.

  2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes
    Moms don't even have bread on them.

Describe the world's greatest Mom?

  1. She would make broccoli taste like ice cream.

  2. The greatest Mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat
    aunts.

  3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.

Is anythiing about your Mom perfect?

  1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.

  2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.

  3. Just her children.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?

  1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind
    of plastic surgery.

  2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?

  1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd
    get rid of that.

  2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister
    who did it and not me.

___________________________________________________________________

INTERESTING THINGS TO LEARN

  • No word in the English language rhymes with month.

  • Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose
    and ears never stop growing.

  • "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left
    hand; "lollipop" with the right.

  • The name of all the continents end with the same letter that
    they start with.

  • "Typewriter" is the longest word that can be made using the
    letters on only one row of the keyboard.

  • There are two words in the English language that have all
    five vowels in order: "abstemious" and facetious."

  • There is a word in the English language with only one vowel,
    which occurs five times: "indivisibility."

  • The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating
    a letter is "uncopyrightable".

_________________________________________________________

THIS ONE'S A KEEPER

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell.
He painted a sign advertising the 20 pups, and set about nailing it

to a post on the edge of his yard.

As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his
overalls. He looked down into the eyes of a little boy.
"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."
"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of
his neck,
These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of
money."

The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then, reaching deep
into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it
up to the farmer.
"I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"
"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle "Here,
Dolly!" he called.
Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by
four little balls of fur.

The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His
eyes danced with delight.
As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed
something else stirring inside the doghouse.
Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller.
Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner,
the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing it's best
to catch up...

"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt.
The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said,
"Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run
and play with you like these other dogs would."

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached
down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers.
In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides
of his leg, attaching itself to a specially made shoe.

Looking up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too
well myself, and he will need someone who understands.

______________________________________________________

ONE OF MY FAVORITE CARTOONS

If you want something bad enough, you can usually find a way
to get it. Click below to see the cartoon:

NEVER GIVE UP

 

______________________________________________________________

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him.... what?

A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

___________________________________________

 

FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL QUOTES (which appeared
in the news):

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would
not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were
supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live
forever, which is why I would not live forever."

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world,
I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those
flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey

``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal
anti smoking campaign

```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in the country."
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We
are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
and I'm just the one to do it."
--A congressional candidate in Texas

```````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President

``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle

`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca

`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from
the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
--Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy
like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain
types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President

`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

--Al Gore, VP

`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

`````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because
we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You
may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night.
And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

_____________________________________________

 

Gonna be a bear

In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (about the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cure, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup, gonna be a bear!

 

__________________________________________________

Two ADHD'ers were hunting and had shot a deer. They were dragging it by the
hind legs when another ADHD'er passed them and commented: "You can go
faster if you drag him by the antlers."


So the two ADHD'ers started dragging him by the antlers. Then one ADHD'er
said, "Wow we are going much faste, r but we are getting farther from the car!"

 

_________________________________________________________________

 

THE PRICE OF CHILDREN

 

The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18
and came up with $160,140 for a middle income family. Talk about sticker
shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition.

Here's the Breakdown:

$160,140 for 18 years

Cost per year = $8,896.66
Cost per month = $741.30
Cost per week = $171.08
Cost per day = $24.24

That's just over $1/hour

·

Still, you might think the best financial advice is don't have children if you want
to be "rich." Actually, it is just the opposite.

What do you get for your $160,140?

  • Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
  • Glimpses of God every day.
  • Giggles under the covers every night.
  • More love than your heart can hold.
  • Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
  • Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
  • A hand to hold, usually covered with jelly or chocolate.
  • A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites
  • Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss said or
    how your stocks performed that day.

For $160,140, you never have to grow up. You get to:

  • finger-paint,
  • carve pumpkins,
  • play hide-and-seek,
  • catch lightning bugs, and
  • never stop believing in Santa Claus. You have an excuse to:
  • keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh,
  • watching Saturday morning cartoons,
  • going to Disney movies, and
  • wishing on stars.
  • You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator
    magnets a nd collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas,
    hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward
    letters for Father's Day.

For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck. You're a
hero just for:

  • retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof,
  • taking the training wheels off a bike,
  • removing a splinter,
  • filling a wading pool,
  • coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball
    team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.

You get a front row seat to history to witness the:

· first step,
· first word,
· first bra,
· first date, and
· first time behind the wheel.

You get to be immortal. You get another branch added to your family
tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called
grandchildren and great grandchildren. You get an education in
psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human
sexuality that no college can match.

In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God. You have
all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under
the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them
forever, and love them without limits.

It's the deal of a lifetime!

____________________________________________

 

Children's Prayers

Dear God,

If You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having
a real good time like I am!

 

A little boy was softly saying his night prayers kneeling by his Mother.
"Say your prayers louder, darling, I can't hear you," said little Johnny's
Mother. "But I'm not talking to you" was the instant reply.

______________________________________________________________

 

If we could shrink the earth's population

If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people,
with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something
like the following. There would be:

57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south
8 would be Africans

52 would be female
48 would be male

70 would be non-white
30 would be white

70 would be non-Christian
30 would be Christian

89 would be heterosexual
11 would be homosexual

6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth and all 6 would be
from the United States.

80 would live in substandard housing

70 would be unable to read

50 would suffer from malnutrition

(ONE)1 would be near death;

(ONE)1 would be near birth;

(ONE)1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education;

(ONE)1 (yes, only 1) would own a computer.

 

When one considers our world from such a compressed perspective,
the need for acceptance, understanding and education becomes glaringly
apparent.

And, therefore . . .

If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead
and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world.

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more
blessed than the million who will not survive this week.

If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish
someplace, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest,
torture, or death, you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of
imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation, you
are ahead of 500 million people in the world.

If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly
thankful, you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.

If you can read this message, you are more blessed than over two
billion people in the world who cannot read at all.

As you read this and are reminded how life is in the rest of the world,
remember just how blessed you really are!

 

Toddlers' Laws

 

Toddler Property Laws


1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, Its mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, It's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I am doing or building something,all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks like mine, it is mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down,
it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

 

______________________________________________________________

DrJerry@ADHDStrategies.com

 


f you have any comments of ideas of things that would really help you, email me at:

DrJerry@ADHDStrategies.com

I want to help you "be the best person you can be"

 

Dr. Jerry Is Online

Jerry Rodgers, M.D.

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